Sensitive Snollygosters At It Again

“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.”

Mark Twain

DISCLAIMER: This article was assembled with a heavy dose of sarcasm. Proceed at your own risk.

Illinois is a wonderful state. What with our potholes, potheads, public schools and politicians, it is a true headscratcher that the California U-Hauls aren’t coming here rather than Texas. Especially since our lawmakers arguably care much more about children’s preferred identity than any other state in the nation.

State Senator Don Harmon (D-Oak Park) recently put his–er, I mean their, name on a perceptive piece of legislation that will benefit Illinois inhabitants for years to come: HB 4626.

Why is a state senator sponsoring an Illinois House bill? I’d be delighted to enlighten you; Harmon’s homies in the House already heroically hurdled HB 4626 through their own chambers before he could move his version through the Illinois Senate. We applaud the zeal of those raring representatives, they proved that they are the woker lawmakers.

This bill would remove gender pronouns and other biology-revealing words in several dozen laws in Illinois, all pertaining to the impressionable minors of our state and the gender they were born with.

We cannot emphasize enough how enlightened and empathic Senator Harmon is in promoting the eradication of precise diction in our state laws. There are so many children who are not being represented in Illinois because of the exclusive “she/her, “he/him” wording of our texts. You know, those brave souls who go by other pronouns. Who knows how many sleepless nights have been spent worrying about the injustice of clauses that exclusionary pronouns have caused? Times have changed, and patriarchal terms such as “his” should without question be replaced with “their.” Senator Harmon realizes that referring to individuals by restrictive “he/she” language is damaging and offensive and must be put to an end immediately.

This is a vital step for the wellbeing of our state, as our dear Capitol cronies are clearly conscious of; HB 4626 is currently in the committee hopper awaiting a hearing, and many young children who have been harmed by the presence of patriarch-backed pronouns are petitioning the members to hurry up and approve it–before children realize the state has been neglecting those genders other than male and female.

Certain backwoods, homophobic citizens are showing their hatred under the guise of exasperation, claiming that the legislature could be addressing topics of actual importance instead of playing “word games” as they so flippantly put it. Absinthial Amethyst (tey/ter), a nonbinary, pansexual/asexual minor, addresses such concerns bravely and beautifully:

“This is the most pressing issue Illinois is faced with today. Forget about the fact that my generation can’t math or read to save our lives and stop complaining about your stupid taxes! 20 years in the future, what will matter more; that you have no money in your bank account or that our laws are inclusive and safe to read for nonbinary individuals like myself?”

Christians especially are showing their blatant hypocrisy regarding this inclusive legislation, opposing the small changes of the bill based on their “faith.” Deborah Indomitable (a Bible-thumping extremist) declares:

“Changing out he’s and hers with theys and thems does seem, at the outset, to be a trivial matter. But it’s not. See, Christians have been saved by The Word, by The One who invented words—He spoke and here we are, living words from His mouth. We’re the ones who should care most about words and how they are thrown about. HB 4626 with its subtle erasing of pronouns is a lie, because God spoke only two sexes into existence, not 5 or 85 or however many you all think exist, and we love like Christ by pointing that out.”

As you can clearly deduct, Deborah is making excuses for being a bigot by hiding behind what the Bible says. But we all know that if you are a real Christian, you’d be loving like Christ by using the pronouns people prefer, and that would be inclusive of all. HB 4626 will finally fix that for our youth, showing delinquents like Deborah and migrants to Texas that Illinois puts tolerance before truth, and always will.

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