09.22.2020

Disclaimer: This is a post entirely comprised of SARCASM. I truly love Fall, however, I felt the need to point out the exploitation of the season in the post below. Do not take offense if you feel called out–or do, whichever you feel like doing most.

It is upon us. That mesmerizing, tranquil season where pumpkin patches are invaded by innumerable instagrammers hungry for cutesy content, where apple orchards are overflowing with eager and naive harvesters who are determined that this will be the year where they make the most glorious apple pie this side of heaven, and plaid patterns drape just about everything that can be justifiably bedecked in gingham, tattersall or tartan.

Families in coordinating color schemes overrun the forest preserves and local parks, each family member with a different mood:

• The mothers: resolved to capture the perfect Christmas Card photo or die trying because she didn’t squeeze into these jeans and spend an agonizing three hours in front of the bathroom mirror for nothing,

• The teens: wishing either to be anywhere but there or complaining relentlessly about how god-awfully ugly they look in every photograph

• The toddlers: setting out to be angelically demonic, which is how they begin every day, so no different mood here

• The fathers: all thinking of how every year this happens at the same time, and every year they determine to lose their potbelly before it happens, and every year they forget and every year the potbelly is still there.

• If there is a pet that was dragged along because it is considered part of the family thus must be a part of the pictures, it is usually looking around wondering what on earth is my family doing, standing around when that squirrel literally just pranced across the grounds and up that tree without a single challenger??

Coffee shops are all the rage, and are all in a rage during this season. The menus, drink selections, and even the buildings themselves transform into pumpkins; what’s more, they transform to pumpkins that are available “for a limited time only, so hurry in before they are gone for the year!!”

Pumpkin tea, pumpkin decor, pumpkin frappuccinos, pumpkin soup, pumpkin ice cream, pumpkin name badges, pumpkin ham sandwiches, pumpkin hats, pumpkin crackers, pumpkin air fresheners and the list goes on and on till by the end of the season one feels as if they are as round, squat and orange as the squash itself.

In short, tis the season of Autumn ladies and gentlemen. Here are a few tips to survive the ensuing three months (you’re welcome):

Tip one: Go out and stock-pile on your regular brand of coffee before it all becomes solely pumpkin flavored. If you missed your opportunity and are now stuck with pumpkin-infused joe–well, remember this tip next time this season rolls around. And my apologies for not advising you sooner.

Tip two: If you (like many other regular folk) dread the app called Instagram during this season because of all the pumpkin patch/apple orchard/coffee shop selfies constantly spamming your feed, dread no more, for I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. There is this heaven sent tool–and no, it is not nearly as life-altering or important as the news the angel brought in Luke 2:8-12–on Instagram called “the mute button.”

Do not be afraid to use the mute button, for the people you mute do not know they have been muted, and you can always reverse the mute when the season draws to a close. And if you feel as if you cannot use the mute button, the unfollow button is always ready to offer it’s relief, as is the uninstall button.

Finally tip three: START CHRISTMAS SHOPPING NOW. You always say to yourself around this time of year that you really should begin hunting for unique Christmas gifts that will bring joy to your loved ones, but you never do, and always end up bulk ordering some generic Amazon gift that gets the job done, but are thrown away by the recipient the day after they receive it. So here is your reminder to start, and get a little special something for your special someones in your lives.

Good luck on making it through fall, where on top of all the normal madness of this season, you have 2020 to contend with as well. If we both make it out the other end, dear reader, it will be more than I hoped for, and it will be a merry Christmas season indeed.

Happy Autumn!!